Want vs Need

Want vs need:
& You always chose want.
But there I was,
Waiting.
& There you were,
Scheming.
Want vs need:
& You never needed me.

Stay beautiful,
Brianna Marie

Selfish

It's terrifyingly easy to get caught up in other people's needs that, sometimes, you forget you have your own. & maybe thats the problem, you know? Maybe, in trying so desperately to be selfless, we're growing accustomed to not thinking about ourselves at all. I think, a lot of times, we abandon ourselves before anyone else gets a chance too. Starving to be dependable, refusing to be dependent.

Talk about irony.

Stay beautiful,
Brianna Marie

Winter Break

I can still feel the passion of each one of your fingers as they danced across my chest to the soothing melody of your heartbeat.
I wanted to love you the way I knew you loved me: intensely.
But how do you accept a lover when you aren't sure you believe in forever?
You gave me 100 & I gave you a fraction but, somehow, you managed to balance the equation.
Why did you give me your love if I wasn't willing to give you mine?
My words violently slapped your heart, walked all over you soul:
I was cruel, but you loved me anyway.
Accepting your body but denying your affection:
I was afraid, but you loved me anyway.
The thing is, you tried to be my summer & all I could give you was winter: Cold, dark, distant.
Why did you do that?
Why did you love me?

Stay beautiful,
Brianna Marie.

Sharing Sheets

Did you hug her the way you hugged me? & did she like the way your lips brushed against her neck, the same lips that kissed me when I wept? I bet she liked the scent on your chest when you'd wrap her up at night, so did I when I picked out the cologne. It's funny how you can call her baby & have the audacity to turn around & claim me as your lady. Maybe she's cool with that, being the part time lover. & maybe you're cool with that, being the full time deceiver. But, I refuse to share my sheets with the likes of another woman. No longer will the hands that stroke her be the ones that hold me, no longer will the eyes that undress her be the ones that captivate me. Because, your eyes, they were always the most honest: forever speaking volumes. When you looked at me, I saw thoughts of she.  & When you said "I promise", your eyes said "Baby, I'm dishonest." I guess this is the part where I'm supposed to say I hate you, but I really just hope she makes you smile. You stole my love, but not my heart. You took my tears, but not my soul. See, I know I'll be okay because you were just my hearts worst day. So I hope it was worth it & I hope you never share her sheets because not even the other woman deserves to be emotionally beat..

Stay beautiful,
Brianna Marie

Alignment

I believe in the moon because it keeps me company when I feel alone. It could be surrounded by stars, but even then, it stands on its own. Sometimes, I think the moon & I are twins because we both know what it's like to have all the support in the world but still feel pressure to shine. I guess I was taught at a young age to never let them see you sweat. But the truth is, no one could ever see me sweat because I don't let anyone close enough. I've mastered the art of pushing people away when all I really want, is someone to stay. But this isn't a story about trust & I'm not the girl who doesn't know how to give or accept love: Because just like the moon, I believe in the stars. My life has the tendency to take a strange twist after every new turn, but I've learned to appreciate the unexpected. Grandma always told me I was something special & I'm still trying to figure out exactly why. Perhaps it's because she's my grandmother or maybe it's because I really am. Either way, I believe in potential & I believe that perfect is absolutely boring. I am the girl who wants to save the world. I am the girl who thinks laughter should never end & every flower is her friend. But, what about you? Do you know who you are? What do you believe & who are your stars? Because we are all the moon & we have all felt alone. But I believe in you & I believe in me. We are each others stars: In alignment, you & me. Together we rise & together we shine. So be extraordinary, be great. It's up to us to teach hearts to no longer hold hands with hate.

Stay beautiful,
Brianna Marie.

To my 7 year old self:

Dear Brianna,

Thirteen years from now, anger & fear will no longer hold you captive & your situation won't hold you back. You won't hate Mommy anymore & you'll learn to cope with Daddy being in heaven. Grandma will teach you forgiveness, love, understanding & so much more. Most importantly, she'll show you that not everyone leaves. Value her.

Mistakes will happen quite frequently. I wish I could say your stubbornness fades - it doesn't. You'll learn a lot of lessons the hard way, but at least you're learning.

Grandpa will die & it will be the most hurt your heart has ever felt. You'll cry every day of that summer, but it'll be your biggest wake up call. This is the year you'll reinvent yourself. This is the year you'll learn how to feel. This is the year you'll find peace.

People will betray you & sometimes you'll feel lonely - that's okay. Life isn't perfect, Bri, & neither are humans. You'll eventually eliminate the toxic people, it'll just take you awhile to get it right. But you'll never stop believing in people, be proud of that.

You'll fall in love & it will be beautiful. He'll be everything you ever wanted. Your heart will beat fast & you'll smile everytime you hear his voice. I wish I could tell you it lasts, but this is when you'll learn that timing is everything.

I'm crying as I write this because you, a 7 year old, shouldn't be that angry with life. Your big, brown eyes shouldn't shed tears as often as they do. But thirteen years from now, you're going to look back & be grateful. I know it seems impossible right now, but it gets better. You're going to experience trials & tribulations, but they're always followed by triumphs! Your childhood is going to teach you compassion, allowing you to do amazing things for people someday.

I can't guarantee perfection, but I can tell you that I'm trying to do better everyday for you. I think about you all the time & I refuse to let you down. You are too important & I will never neglect you.

Positivity is going to overtake your soul & happiness is something your heart is going to dwell in. I promise you. Just trust yourself..

Always loving you,

Brianna Marie 

My home

I want to memorize your scent & fall asleep next to your heart while humming to its beat. I will love you from each individual hair on your head to your left pinky toe because it's your entire being that captivates me. I promise to listen when you're angry & kiss you when you're down because, baby, I don't want to be familiar with your frown. So take a chance on me, take a chance on us. This love thing, I know it can be rough. But the heart, it doesn't lie. We're each others missing piece, like a puzzle, you & I. So let go of fear, you don't have to be alone. & if it's okay, I'd like to call you home.

Stay beautiful,

Brianna Marie